* Dear Brother... Rant*

This might not make total sense. Please be warned!!!


Dear brother,
I have struggled with this for so long now. I think it's time I let you know how I feel. In writing this, I hope to chase away the demons and actually let go. I must start by saying, I love you very much. I may not always say it, but I do. We always assume our siblings know that we love them, and that should not be the case. I'll say it again. I love you very much. Based on the things you allowed your wife to do to us, I have considered hating you or even her, but I refuse to. Although I must admit that there were times when I teeter dangerously close to the edge. Now we all know what volatile temperament I have- Once I turn my back on someone, that's it for them- but for some reason, with you, I can't. I wonder why.

Gosh this hurts so bad.

It hurts me when I find the courage to call you these days when I am so busy (don't cry Nefie, you weak idiot! Snap out of it, now! WTFrack is wrong with you? Ta lo gba bread e?! Grow a spine dhemmit! There, that's better! *excuse the madness, readers*) with my life. I mean, I could understand when I was a single girl, with nothing much on her plate but school and work. But these days when my life is just as hectic as yours (We practically do the same things for a living) and I find time to call you, you brush me off like I were some associate or assistant. I detest that. It hurts my feelings more than you know. You are the only living sibling that I have here, yet I hardly see you or hear from you.

I remember when I was really sick with that bladder problem, (After yourself and your wife succeeded in rendering me homeless) I saw you only after 2yrs amidst frantic calls from mother (and melodramatic threats of her cursing you). Are you really saying that you would have only come to identify my corpse if I hadn't made it? That hurt like hell. I really want to be able to forgive you for all the wrong you and your wife did me, but your wife had nothing to do with this, so I can't really blame her (Stop cryin! you spineless idiot! I hate you I hate you, you are so damn weak!) This is between me and you. I want to come see my nieces and nephew. I want to take them to 6flags and buy them ice cream. I want them to have sleep overs with their cuzins every 2 weeks. My husband thinks I have the heart of Jesus sometimes when you have an event, and I go all out for you. Why won't you do the same for me? It hurts more than you can imagine.

Mom and dad pester me to call you all the time, and because I am tired of hearing the same old lectures- "He is your brother and you can't throw him away", "You are the female, and you need to draw him closer" "Do not embarrass us"- I grudgingly put aside my pride and seal the wounds and reach out. However, you are eternally busy with one thing or the other. The fact that you only come by when mom and Dad are around is not funny or cute anymore. Why should you have to mapquest the route to your only sister's house. You live 15 minutes away! We both know why I don't feel comfortable at your house. Oh you don't know why? Well, the reason is because, every time I visit, I have memories of living with you guys, and feeling like a worthless piece of shit. It re-opens old wounds and makes it harder to forget. I am my own woman now. I've got my own life and my own challenges. I really want to forgive you, but you make it so much harder with the way you act towards me. Why do you hate me so much? What have I ever done to you? I have never once asked you for money. Even on those days back then, when all I had was 65 cents to buy a bar of snickers for breakfast and lunch. Not even when my sneakers were worn from trekking. Not even when I needed it for my books, not ever! I have done nothing to disrespect or hurt your wife. If I did, I would totally understand if you were trying to shut me out...

I need to take a break and get this crying outta my system. Yes I'm ashamed of it, so please don't rub it in...

Well, I didn't have the courage to continue, so here it is...

maybe I'll continue this, maybe I won't.

* I bind every MEME conspirator, by fire by force...*

Okay, so I don't know how to upload a picture of my award. I have been tagged by Tigeress.

Tigeress, I will do you serious STRONG SOMETHING, if you tag me again. I like you so I will try and comply to the best of my ability.

A warning to anyone else conspiring to tag me. I will do you strong sumtin if you do o ! *Aboro la'n so fun omo'luabi...*(ruffly translated as 'a word is enuff for the wise)

But becos I like you, Tigeress, I will indulge you this one time lol

1. I hate MEMEs (WTH does MEME mean anyways? It sounds like ode or mumu..lol)

2. I give off a'don't talk to me', indifferent buzz when I'm in a gathering where I don't know anyone, but inside, I really want to start a conversation. I just don't know how to.

3. I have a keen sense of intuition, it's very creepy and freaks the Mr. out. He usually just starts confessing, and he call me a witch. lol. Until he met my mother that is... LMAO (Her sense of intuition is on another level)

4. Most friends confide in me with very deep secrets becos I am really good at listening, and I don't run off at the mouth with what they've told me. I however find it hard to divulge secrets about myself to anyone. I mourn the loss of my secrets when I divulge them. It's weird, I know. I am very distrustful of the human race.

5. I have an acute fear of heights. I feel like I'm gonna die when I look down from heights.

6. I have an acute fear of being underwater. I hear funny things because I feel powerless when the real world is shut out.

7. I have an acute fear of elevators. I usually got a resounding slap from my mother whenever we would go into elevators when I was younger. She would either pull me close and give me a resounding knock or a dirty slap. It usually calmed me down and did the trick...lol

8. Most male friends say I inspire naughty thots. I find this embarrassing, because I have no idea how to turn it off, and no idea how it starts.

9. I hate the color pink, I am not crazy about designer outfits, and I am not into shoes like the average chic. I buy shoes out of need, and not out of a crazy lust.

10. Behind my no-nonsense demeanor, is a big softie, who cries easily, and is very compassionate.

11. I don't like pets. I can pass off an 'aww he's cute' compliment every now and then, but I won't be keeping bingo when you go on vacation. You might find him in my pot when you return.lol I keed I keed.

Yeah yeah, I know I don't deserve this award, Tigeress. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I don't think I want to start a MEME virus in blogville, so I ain't tagging nobody.

*~I AM... SUICIDE*~

I am that girl. The one who daddy abandoned at the convent at 2. I was passed from home to home. Nobody cared to show me love. And you wonder why I'm bitter...

I am that teenager. The one who had acne all over her face. The one who didn't have any friends in high school. You teased me mercilessly and called me names like 'cyclops'. Remember? And you wonder why I'm bitter...

I am that lady. The one in your anatomy and physiology class. The one no one bothers to give a passing glance. And you wonder why I'm bitter...

I am that lady at your job. The one you conveniently ignore in the elevator while carrying on with your other friends as if I were invisible. And you wonder why I'm bitter...

I am that woman. The one who you stare right past at church when pastor says to turn to your neighbor and "Welcome them". And you wonder why I'm bitter...

I am that woman. The wallflower at every gathering. And every day, I wonder if I am truly invisible like my last foster mother always said. Damn I hate her guts!

I am that woman. You think all I deserve is your indifference. You neither like me nor loathe me. It's worse - Indifference!

I am that woman, and I hate you. Yes, you. With a consuming hatred that you cannot fathom. You think you are high and mighty with your pencil skirts and pointy shoes.

But today, it all ends. I will cease to exist and so will you.

The lights are so pretty. They are blinking now, the LCD display reads 8:40:06, and it's counting down. I am giddy with excitement!

We know each other so well, these lights and I. We go everywhere together. And every time I see you miserable cockroaches, I wonder if today will be the day. The day when I knock you off your mighty horses.

It ends at midnight. And I won't be going alone.

I am ... suicide.

Thank you to everyone who checked up on me. I was a little under the weather coupled with laziness. What did I miss? Off to stalk your blogs! :)

UPDATE TO: How far would you go?- On cheating...

I have added my response to your comments as an update to the blog because I have additional questions for some of the commenters (sp? lol) Please be sure to let me know what you think about the follow up questions. You male bloggers will not kill me o!

I'll start by giving you my definition of cheating. Cheating to me is doing anything that you are not able to do in the presence of your partner to or with another individual. During courtship, my friends would think I was crazy when I would allow the Mr. to stare at a lady with a fat yansh, or a low cut blouse. WAIT, WAIT! before you think I've lost my mind. Here's how I analyzed it. Men are physical beings, and even if I were beyonce or halle berry, he would still ogle the opposite sex when I wasn't looking. So I figured instead of setting myself up for an early death from disappointment or High blood pressure, why don't you let him stare to his heart's content? He ain't touching nothing *insert evil laugh* and if he gets a woody, take him home and make good use of that woody ;-)plus na the chic dey sell property nau, I'd even be the person to call his attention to it sef. (Why do ladies feel they have to 'nekked' themselves to draw attention to their sexiness? I don't get it. Why buy the cow when you can drink the milk?- Story for another post)

So recently, we saw the video of Trading Places by Usher on YouTube, amidst talks of his wife being banned from the set after she pulled a tantrum on the set of "love in this club". I was appalled at how far he went with the actress in the video (Yes I know he's an entertainer and all, BUT). I was telling the Mr. that if I were his wife, I'd have set that boundary a long time ago. Usher does not have to try that hard to make the ladies hot. He's got that boyish charm that doesn't require effort to make the ladies want to take their VS off. So the question was posed to me, Nefertiti, do you think Usher cheated on his wife by the content of that video, and I must say that I'm torn because I can argue both sides of the equation quite well.

For men, for the most part, cheating is defined as going all the way with another female. So if you ask man, what would you do if your wife or woman went to dinner with another man, they'd probably ask you if she slept with the man. If you answer no, they'll probably say they'd forgive her. Should you say yes, you might hear responses like "damn, I don't know", "I'd dump her ASAP", "Say What?"... If you ask a woman however, she'd ask you back things like "Does he love the other woman?" "Why did he do it?" "Maybe it's something I did" *insert a WTF look* That's the one that bugs me the most. Like why do you feel you might have done something wrong for him to cheat on you? How about maybe he's just a no-good-two face-lying ass-nucca who would bang his mother if she were available? Anyways, I digress.

Although I think most women would agree with me on the definition of cheating, I also think that most men would have the "Go all the way theory" for cheating. So tell me peoples, how do you define cheating? and how long a leash would you give your partner before you kick their ass to the curb? How far would you go to consider your own actions cheating?

Oh, I can run my mouth now. I VOTED, DAMMIT!

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Bumight, congratulobia :-D

Funms, Yep. I agree. That's the weird thing about men. They can do all that mess, but let another man handle their women like that, dem eye go red.

Secret Dairy, better not let K whoop ur ass... lol. I have no idea who you are, and I can't figure you out by reading ur blog. What category am I spsd to vote u for huh?

AWLD: Hmm. In thot too? Interesting. It's always a good idea to set those boundaries early.

Temite: Fa eti e, ko lo si class.

Bumight (Again):I agree.

RocNaija: Hmm. Depends on what his Definition of "Sexual relations" is. Apparently, he doesn't consider Monica 'swallowing' as SR.But anyhus, I am a fan- 'atic' of Ushers' but I do realize that he's a married man, I expect his conduct to change to accomodate his marital status. And the answer to your question is NO, I wouln't marry an entertainer in the first place, becos I know I prolly couldn't handle groupies (I'm fixin to slap a heiffer who comes too close). A pre-nup is always a good idea ;-)

Afrobabe: Always an exception to a woman's reasoning, u are. Are u sure about that? Are u saying if ur man spent all his time with another woman, confided in her instead of you, but tells you he's not sleeping with her, you wouldn't care? Interesting!

Jinta: He is. And it's confirmed. I HATE U! lol How can u say that? Because you don't get caught doesn't make it right. Please tell me u are just tryna raise my BP... lol

DBagg: Yep, ur assumption on my definition is spot on. Tamekka messed herself up by acting out of character on set. Now all them skinny heiffers know how to get her goat. She set herself up for more heartache.

Dabizniz: Huh? Not getting caught? Looks like u male bloggers want to gimme HBP but God no go gree una. Does not getting caught make it right?

Miss DM: Yep, I have that same thot about cheating (I'd be hurt more if I found out he loves the other woman) I dunno about the one strike and then u're out thing tho. If ur spouse cheats on u, would u kick him to the curb? Altho it's not right, I think cheating in marriage tends to be often forgiven. What do you think?

Sirius: LOL @ 'and if u don't have a conscience..." It think most men don't if so. I like ur "Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you" Parallel.

K: Tell it girl! Don't u just hate that shit? They ask for the girl's number, but they already made up their mind that they gon' hit that if the situation ever presents itself. Yep I agree. I made up my mind early about entertainers. I respect the women who marry them. I sure as hell couldn't do it. I think I'd snatch a heifer's eyeballs out her skinny forehead if she so much as licks her lips at my man.

SIDENOTE to K: Gurl, I have no idea. I went to his site to investigate him, and I couldn't figure him or her out. Maybe u can. I told him u gon kick his ass tho... lol

Jaguda: True talk, my brother. True Talk!

NBee: Yep, I would like to know so I can start taking steps to change it (when I was single tho, I'd go on a flirting rampage after kicking the nucca's ass to the curb ;-)) Your last line had me thinking tho. We dance back from the situation as woman too tho, do you know that? cos If we are having long, romantic talks with a member of the opposite sex, we do not acknowledge having cheated until we are either caught, or we end up sleeping with the guy. Hmmm *Nefie still thinking*

Burracup: But then, burracup. If ur partner did what Usher did under the label of "I'm an entertainer" like the male commenters have pointed out, what would you do? He's ur hubby. Would u kick him to the curb? Divorce him? How far would you go to show ur disapproval?

Temite (Again) See me see dem o! lol. I like the "Do unto others..." parallel. U no get umbrella ni? Fine gyal like u...lol Yeah, u got serious issues, girl.

Luscious: Abeg helep me o, my sista. I don talk say God no go gree dem kill me with High blood pressure. What if you aren't caught? Isn't it still cheating?

Qmoney: Hmm. U do have a double standard, sistah gurl. Lemme give you an example. What if if ur man spent all his time with another woman, confided in her instead of you. Would you then say he is cheating, or would you wait till u catch him on top of the other woman? Investigating u just means I paid ur blog a visit ;-) Congratulations again.

Jide: Np sir. I like ur Unfaithfulness analogy. To answer your question, I think a wet dream is just biology. Altho some might argue that it is cheating in your mind. the mind is very powerful, and so I won't call THAT cheating.

JT: lol... She said chics are paranoid. I think we are just different from the male specie in our views on cheating. You didn't ramble. You made absolute sense! and I agree.

Rayo: I'm not sure how Funms would answer that question, but permit me to butt in here. If you are having intimate conversations with him that you cannot have in fron of your man, then I would term that cheating on some level. I love u, but that's my take on things.