Phone conversation with a friend of mine…
Nef: Girl, why have I been calling you, and you are not picking up my call?
M: Because I don't have that number anymore…
Nef: Oh, so you lost my number?
M: Dry laughter. Well something like that
My antenna goes up at this point cos I just know something is wrong.
Nef: There's nothing funny about losing my number . Should I de-friend you, or do you have a valid reason?
M: Well, if not living there anymore sounds valid enough…
Nef: What do you mean 'don't live there anymore'? Did ur ass get evicted or something?...Or…
M: No, Nef. Shawn and I are separated.
I take a seat at this point, and there's absolute silence.
M: Hey, u still there?
Nef: Yes.
M: I can't say you didn't warn me. I should have left his ass a long time ago.
Nef: Yeah, but still…
M: Still, nothing. Please don't give me the 'I'm so sorry' spill, Nef. I sincerely don't need your pity. You said not to marry him, but I did. So are you gonna give me the 'I knew it' lecture now?
Nef: No. Silence
M: Say something dammit, or I'll hang up
Nef: Sigh. I honestly don't know what to say. I was kinda hoping we'd never have this conversation.
M: Yah well, we are. Laughs a little. Hey let me talk to you later, I'm about to give Nancy (her daughter from her marriage to shawn) a bath. We'll talk later.
Nef: K. Bye.
This is not the only one, guys. Within a span of 6 days, it seems like everyday I hear somebody is headed to splitville. While I can't say I didn't know that Shawn was never for real (that was when I was a single chic and I had my high beams that could spot out losers from 20 miles away on. I have to admit, those high beams were on high alert for everyone of my friends and the men they were with. 9 times out of 10, I was right. They always come back with stories about how horrible those men were. I digress), somehow, since getting married, I tend to divide up marriage and courtship/relationship into 2 boxes. In courting/dating someone, you always have a choice. You can leave even on the day of the wedding if you are not thoroughly convinced that you are doing the right thing. Once you get married though, at least in my head, you are meant to stay married. But how much pain and hurt in any relationship is enough? Are you meant to stay even if you are not happy, even if he/she hits you? How many punches or slaps is just enough? How many concubines or gigolos are enough to end a marriage? Am I just stupid, blind or naïve? Do I have a lot to learn? Is there a manual somewhere?
Last night, I had some time to stew (I tend to dwell on most things and over-analyze things. It's my nemesis of some sort) over the events of the past week (Usher filing for legal separation from Tamika - can't say I didn't know. A friend of my hubby's going through a divorce as we speak. His wife kicked him out. My friend M and Shawn- can't say I didn't see that one coming. Another good friend of mine separated from her hubby- this I expected, and so many more marriages falling apart) and I asked myself honestly. What are the recipes for a successful marriage? Yes, Nefertiti, you seem to have the crystal ball to see into everyone's future but yours. Can you tell if 20 years from now, you will look at your husband and won't remember why you fell in love with him? Will you want him out of your life? Will it ever get so ugly that you would keep him from seeing his kids? (actually he can keep the kids. Being a single parent is not beans. That should be adequate punishment. LOL… but seriously...) Will it turn so ugly that you would get a restraining order against him? To all these questions, I answered with things like; I don't believe it can ever happen to us. Of cos not! Because I am a smart woman… Really? Because I am a christian… really? Because I can cook and I know what I'm doing between the sheets (and you can bet ur life I do *insert evil grin*)… really? Maybe because I am a combination of all these things… really? There are so many women out there that are everything you are and so much more. They are more beautiful than you are. They are smarter. They are the quintessential 'lady in the streets, freak in the bed'. They make more money than you. They are bible believing christian women. They can cook everything you can, and can bake up a storm too (I can't bake to save my life but I can cook up a storm!)
The truth is while I don't know all these things because I am not God, it is indeed a humbling thought knowing that as much as I like to have control over evry situation in my life, God holds my tomorrow in his hands, and that every night, every morning, I re-dedicate my marriage unto him. I believe I have built my marriage on the rock of ages, and somehow, I am convinced that he who holds my tomorrow brought me into this journey with my husband. He is faithful, and he will help us honor our vows. And even though there are times I want to go postal on his ass, snuff him in the middle of the night, organise 'awon boys' to beat him up, put some rat poison in his efo, leave, I am also reminded why I love him so much. He has a great sense of humor. Brightens up my day by making me laugh. Helps me not take myself too serious, or life in general. He is supportive, my counsel, my best friend, my confidant, the handsomest man in the world (abeg free me o, na my blog. I fit yarn anything wey I want… lol) in my opinion. He prays for me, and with me. He has my best interest at heart. Even when we fight, we still LIKE each other. I want to think that even in the worst of times, I will remember what it was about him I fell in love with. God forbid that we be one of those couples who 10,20, 30 yrs down the line cannot stand each other. My take is if you've spent 20 yrs together, don't you think you have done the hardest part of the work? I don't believe the rest can be that hard. Recently, a woman left her husband of 35 yrs after they had no kids all that time, and stayed together. I was like will the woman go and find a boyfriend now ni, or will the man go and find a girlfriend @ 68 yrs of age… WTF?! Why does it seem like everywhere I turn marriages are falling apart? I don't think any couple in their wildest imagination, when staring into each other's eyes as they recite their marriage vows, is ever adequately prepared for times of war. I mean they drum it into your ears in marriage counseling classes, but in the love haze, you cannot fathom it. Never! Not us! you would say.
Dear God, our marriages need you like never before. You have said that you will fight our battles for us. Whatever we need to fight for our marriages, equip us!
My people, am I delusional? Is there not a standard anymore? Why does it seem like doom and gloom? What positivity do we have to impress upon spinsters and bachelors. Is this marriage thing anything to look forward to?
6 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Alive
6 years ago
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28 comments:
true talk.... its so sad the rate of separation and divorce and i really saw usher and Tameka's own coming....
Like you said, we can never know what will make marriage work. i respect those of u already in it, only u understand... I think Marriage is a risk and by the grace of God, it will be a worthwhile one. I am bidding my time and not rushing into it
I went thru that phase when I went to Naija......capped off by the telling evidence that a close acquaintance of mine was cheating on his wife of four months with an intern at work!
Guess one can only speak for an on the behalf of one's self.. but perhaps the odds are slightly better with two people thinking from the same box.. at least they have the same manual they are referring to when issues comes up...
Hey Funms, that's a great place to start. I think it's important for women to realize that being married will not solve their problems, neither will it complete them. An incomplete woman short changes herself by getting married.
Uncle DB, I concur. The odds are much better when equally yoked individuals marry. *sigh. I need some sugar to get happy or something. The news of the past few days are downright scary and depressing. It's not helping my paranoia.
"Dear God, our marriages need you like never before. You have said that you will fight our battles for us. Whatever we need to fight for our marriages, equip us!"
Eeeemmmm..........if in the first place these couples think they were too smart to involve God when choosing who to marry- then why should they remember God when things aren't going well?
Tigeress, I think the most important word in your comment is the word 'if'. While I do not know Usher and Tameka personally, I do know who these other folks are. They were the quintessential good folks. They met, fell in love, prayed together about getting married and so on... (Infact one of them waited to get married- both parties.) So these are people that 'know' God and involved him in going into the marriage. I don't think it's fair (and maybe I'm biased because I know these people) to say why should they remember God now. Afterall we are all men, and fall short. Even if they weren't xtians (Or knew God) before they got married, since they now know God or now have a relationship with him, should they abandon their marriage and now go and find the supposedly God-ordained man?
some one once told me that love is laced with a lot more than we feel when we go into a relationship let alone marruage. What we forget is that love must come with respect, compatibility, friendship, devotion, will, zeal, etc etc and most of all god. Most marriages now are rushed, they may have love but all the best ingredients are left behind. A strong and lasting marriage has to have all the ingredients.
this post has put me in a reflecting mood.
been thinking about this a lot lately.....
there's no going back once those vows are taken.
And what happens if one isn't happy?
LOL@ organizing "awon boys" to jack him up.
*sigh......I had more peace of mind when I told Myself marriage wasn't for me.
Just the thought of it is darn difficult.
Kudos to our parents- they ones who are still together 3 decades on.
God is alive. Best thing is to build the marriage on Him.
Wordmerchant, thank you for your comment. I completely agree. I wonder if there's a manual out there. :)
Sirius, have faith. Despite all the woe stories there are still the 30% that are still married. I'm only hoping that they are happily married.
I get where you are coming from. You can only do your very best and the rest if up to God. No one knows tomorrow but we all pray that whatever it holds.. let us be happy.
I have always been wary of marriage because with marriage I have always looked past the wedding day. Getting married to me I dont see bridesmaids and flower girls...I see work. There are ingredients to get you started off to a good marriage I would assume like Love, including God, honesty and respect. However the rest is up to us to make it work hard. When it gets difficult fight for what you think is worth fighting for I say. If its not worth it to you anymore you will give it up to God and move on. There is no manual, there is no secret. Its prayer, love and hard work and if someone can't understand that before they start going for dress fittings or they don't see why they should continue to do that after they have been married it is time to call it quits.
You are a very smart woman indeed. You have involve God in your marriage from day one.
May God answer your prayers. Amen..
hmmm, this is deep.
oh this was deep Ursh..what? well i honestly believe in marriage. What God has put together, no man can put asunder..not your man, your wife,another man..jaack. I pray you continue to have your marriage built on God. I think by sharing this..theres a lotta prayers sent up for you to bless your union. Oh stay great Nef!
my dear, some pple dey see something for dis marriage thing oh. some of them, things they were seeing long b4 but dem come mistake say if dem marry, those things go correct themselves. some other people jus wan answer Mrs, even if na 4 one day. some innocently went into marriage with all good intentions, but life fucked them up. me, i no know again. what i know is dat with as many bad news of divorce/separation, there r still thousands of couples dat r truly happy in their marriage. my prayer everyday is dat my husband & i remain in that group.
NiceAnon, true talk, my sister and Amen!
K, It's good that you don't have unrealistic expectations o! Unrealistic/Misunderstood expectations are one of the signs of a marriage that's doomed from the start. If you are expecting breakfast in bed, flowers and candy for the rest of ur life, well mo sorry gan (I'm really sorry for you) - well, not you in particular, K.lol! I was reading someone's comment on an earlier post on SSD's blog talking about divorce and the only conditions under which God condones divorce. I might have to research that some more. I remember a lot of things said during the pre-marital classes we took about 'God hates divorce', 'There's no turning back', 'only death can break a marriage convenant in God's eyes'. I will have to read that bible passage that this individual was refering to, but I don't believe 'calling it quits' should just be thrown out like that. I wonder if that passage mentions anything about violence. Okay, this is turning into another post. lol... why do you always do that, K? WHY?! lol
BSNC: Amen oooooooo!
Omotee!, How deep? :-D
TK, Amen, and Thank you, TK. You stay fabulous too! :)
FFF, true yarns, my sister. I pray that we all stay strong even in hard times. God forbid we be statistic for people to point at and laugh. Amen.
Usher & Tameka are getting divorced???? Get outta here!! Not that I'm surprised or anything. It's just that I didn't hear. Didn't even know they have two kids. Sheesh, I'm sooo behind. LOL.
Per marriage, babe... wetin I go talk? I dey fear, but I also know that marriages do work, and mine will be one of those that will work. So shall it be. It may not be easy, but it will happen.
A friend of mine jst got seperated&is headed for divorce after a grand total of 5months. I tried to warn her not to rush into things but she didn't listen...sometimes nothing we say can change things. Your marriage is built on the right thing: God. A three stranded cord is not easily broken.
Marriage is about a whole lot of commitment than we would often want to accept. Some people approach marriage from such perspectives as
I married you and conveniently relegates "WE got married" to the background.
If i could date two more people at a time, why can't i handle one person in marriage.
I got married to be happy and not to make sacrifices.
And so many more. But just as God never made us to function outside of him, we should always get him involved in our marriages.
Sigh. If only there really was that manual. I also wonder what exactly could possibly go wrong after 20years..it's really mind-boggling. May God continue to bless your marriage as you've made Him your foundation. Howz lil Nefie? :)
Hmmm,
You know what I have learned, marriage is lovely, really it is for a certain type of personality. Now me, I am probably not the marriage type. just wont work, which totally sucks because I love marriage. Anyways I dont know if there is a manual but trust yourself and your spouse and know that really Divorce is not the end of the world, its just an option. While its an end of a marriage, its also the beggining of new things. Not that I am wishing it for you but yer that is it. If I ever get married, I already know that I probably will get a divorce. As long as you are prepared for shit to fall apart, how far can the pieces really fly? ehn?! Anyways I heart you sis neffie. say hello to Mr. Neffie and Lil Nefs for me.
First of all - I love the design of your blog. Fresh!
Secondly, you say EVERYTHING that's on my mind on this post. How did you do that. Why didn't I discover this blog earlier? lol
I agree wtih u on everything and my marriage sounds similar to urs.. Imean ur feelings. Positive and negative. I agree people these days both give up too quickly and get married too quickly....
Nef, u are a terrific writer!, thumbs up, i love u for this post. I ain't married yet but i do know the turbulence that go on in most marriages. Marriage is not a joke, it takes God and commitment on the part of the 2 people involved to make it work.
God will keep ur marriage dear, ur marriage will wax stronger & like wine, it will get better with age., Nothing shall spoil it, AMen!
When Pastors used to advice us to include God in our marriages, I used to think hmmm what's the biggie? But everyday I see it now. You need to base your marriage on the foundation of God and continue to work hard everyday to make it work, and Nef I believe that you and hubby will last and last and bounce your grand babies on your laps. Continue to pray hard for him and with him, he sounds like a great man!
deep..... its really crazy the way things fall apart in this day and age. Can we balme it on just entering blindly into marriage or maybe it is just what it is. But how much can one really put up with in marriage?
Nefie!!!!!!!! Where and how are you?!
I surely don't like all these disappearing acts. Do come back soon and hope you are well.
Hiya....
Been a long while.......
just checking on you....
I like the way you took the post from not knowing to handing it over to God...
Truth is a lot of couples who divorce or separate had it coming from the beginning, they just refused to acknowledge it.
Also a lot of things make the difference, God, forgiveness...bla bla...we might not be the best women around but we know the one who gave us good marriages can sustain them.
It is well sister!
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