Fat Chic Chronicles

A few weeks ago, I stepped on the scale and I must say, my jaw dropped. Is my mirror faulty? Was I just bloated? It sure felt like it. The thought that immediately followed was why the hell did I do this to myself today of all days? I need to psyche myself up to go out these days and this damned scale isn't helping matters! Boy was I pissed?! Then the mind fuckery began in earnest. mmhm, you know your fat behind can't fit into that dress you want to wear... says who? That's why someone invented spanx... yeah, but you know you will look like a stuffed burrito in that spanx, girl who are you kidding...Nope, I'll drink some laxative tea and I'll be good... hahhahhahaha! God help you, soil yourself.You will be on your own... Devil you are a liar! I rebuke you!... Rebuke me? You know I'm just looking out for you, but hey, do you! On and On it went.

Hubby: Are we still going? What are you doing in there?
Me: Uhmmm can you please hand me my dress?
Hubby: Here. And please hurry up or you'll have to join us there.
Me: You know I will kill yo azz if you try that.
Hubby: Whatever. Sha hurry up!

I try the dress on and surely I knew that it was a little too snug. I almost cried. I had purchased this stoopid Dereon dress specifically for this cruise party and I'd be damned if some bloating would deprive me of strutting onto that boat in it. What to do? Switch outfits? Nah gurl, you will look like a mommy that's trying too hard... No, I look like I'm trying too hard now! You know the type, they shop in Juniors even though they are almost forty. They show up in F* me pumps and you can see the spider veins and Chit popping off their feet, cos the hand and feet don't lie...*sigh* At this point I do feel the tears coming.

Me: Please hand me my spanx.
Hubby: What's that?
Me: The thing on the bed.
Hubby: There are too many things here. What does it look like?
Me: *How do you explain this to a man*? A contraption pantyhose? Torture chamber? How?. That thing that looks like a pantyhose.
Hubby: I don't see anything that looks like a pantyhose!
Me: *I want to smack this dude upside the head*

So I step out the bathroom to yank my spanx off the bed, of course the waterworks are in full effect and view.

Hubby: What is it again? Why are you crying now? (I'd had an episode earlier in the day. Don't ask.)
Me: 'This stupid dress', was all I could mutter.
Hubby: Looks very confused, then throws up his hands in defeat. We are going to miss this boat.
Me: No response. Struggling into my contraption chamber.

Long story short sha, by the time I finished dolling up, I had lost a few inches off my waist, and I was able to look splendid in my dress *A silent prayer of thanks for the Spanx inventors*.

So my people, I have ceased to fool myself into thinking I look voluptuous o! Raven Simone, Jill Scott, Jennifer Hudson, Marsha Ambrosius, Jordin Sparks have all lost the weight! It ain't cool to be a fatso no more and I need to cease and desist from fooling myself. I have begun a serious journey to shed some pounds and so far, I'm on track.

In other news, I also joined twirra (Yes, Yes. I can hear some people going. Oh really, the uppity *insert whatever comes to mind* joined the band wagon? Yes, I did). I miss the bloggers and their opinions and thoughts. I think twitter is a good and concise way to get their thoughts on matters in 140 characters or less. The epistles be wearing a girl's eyes out. You don't need to follow me, I will find you. When I do, you'll know.

Peace, love and Milk Chocolate (No, Salad!)
Nefertiti.