Lady in red: Emi okunkun (Evil Spirit)

I should have known it was going to be trouble when Kike decided to come with us to Lola's church. You see before Kike got religion (Aka born again), she was pretty much the agbero in our midst. Very demanding, impatient, and generally loud. But ever since she found Jeezus (Somebody shout halleluuuuuuuayah *sounding like GO- pastor Adeboye), She's been the coolest of the bunch. Now, whenever 'awon akoshibero' (Troublemakers according to her) want to look for her trouble, she breaks into this familiar song (Yio sa 'golo loja pe, yio sa'golo de naija o… *he will pick cans all the way to naija- sorry I lack a better interpretation) at disgustingly ear splitting volume. But this post is really not about kike. It's about an experience a few years back at a white garment church here in the DMV.

You see, we attended a white garment church when I was very very young, and some of the memories linger. I was however unprepared for the episode that awaited me this particular Sunday. Our friend Lola is a great girl. The epitome of humility, very beautiful ati bee bee lo(and so on and so forth). Kike is constantly on her case to leave the church, saying it's unbecoming of a pretty chic like Lola. As far as I'm concerned, every human being is free to go to whatever church, and sit under whatever ministration floats their boat. Kike however took it upon herself to call Lola every Friday to ask her if she was still aspiring to be an 'olusho' (Pastor) in her church. Of what business of hers it is, I do not know. Again I digress.

We arrive at their church, to show some support for our friend, as it was her family harvest Sunday. We are asked by some people at the door to take our shoes off. The dialogue goes something like this:

Church Member (CM): 'Good morning, sisters. Please take your shoes off. We have a special place for them'.

Me: *Looking confused, 'Ermm.'

Kike: 'For wia? Abeg let's go joo', grabbing my arm quite painfully. A seemingly more senior CM rushes towards us, arms outstretched in an attempt to stop us.

Senior CM: *Now speed walking after us, "'scuse me, 'scuuuse me…"

Me: *Trying to at least acknowledge the lady. Kike yanks me forward even sharper.

Kike: 'Omo face front o. Me I am not removing these Jimmy chos o. They're gonna have to amputate my leg to get it off. Ole people!.'

Me: 'ahn ahn Kike, this is the house of God. Why would anyone steal your 'Jimmy chos'? Whareva!' *I roll my eyes at her

Kike: *About to launch into a sermon, hands on hips…. 'see this mugu girl o. Shey u are not…"

Senior CM: "'scuse me, ladies. May 'hi' have your shoes please? We will keep 'hit' safe for you during the service, 'hand' you can collect them when you 'hare' leaving…" Apparently, Miss lady has 'H' factor too, one of my pet peeves. It drives me absolutely bonkers.

Kike: 'ah ah please why are you people so desperate to collect my shoe ehn? Am I the only one in this church? …' *I scan quickly to confirm that we are indeed the only ones with shoes on. I begin taking my shoes off. I hate the attention we are drawing. Kike continues 'ehn, you take your own shoe off, but me o, emi Kikelomo, I am not removing this shoe today.'

Me: 'Kike, wetin dey worry you nau? You wan make dem chase us comot?'

Kike: 'Asko o' (one of her favorite comebacks)

I see another seemingly more senior church member call the "'scuse me' CM" away from us, gesturing for her to leave us alone. At this point, I am so ashamed of myself, and wondering why in God's name I agreed to bring Kike, I should have left her dramatic ass behind. I regain my composure and attempt to look aloof while Kike stares down anyone and everyone who dared to give us questioning glances. If I wasn't so embarassed, I might have laughed out loud. I made eye contact with Lola in the choir area, who looks very ticked off. She asks me with her eyes what the hell Kike's issue was, but I shrugged, and gestured a 'you- know- she's- mental' kind of thing. But was the god of drama done with me yet?- Far from it!. Soon after, they started to pray. Apparently, someone had 'seen' a great mishap/woe about to befall some choir members for something or the other, so, the whole church erupted in loud prayers. I being the anglican girl that I am (I grew up anglican, and we don't say loud prayers- at least not in the church I went in Naija), I stood up with the rest of the congregation, head bowed, saying nothing. Kike looks on stonily.

Some Random chic to our left- SRC: "ahhhhhhh…. Jeeeeeesuuuuuuu… emi mimo emi mimo mimo mimo….' Kike happens to be sitted to my left as well.

Kike: 'Omo, warn your cousin o, if she jam me with this gra gra, I go woze am…'

SRC: '… Olusho ti wipe a ko gbodo wo aso pupaaaaaaa…' (Pastor has said we must not wear the color red)

Kike: 'tehehehehehehe… Ojay, dem dey follow you talk'. I look sharply at Kike, to admonish her for such childish behavior. Then it hits me. I was the only one wearing a red top in the congregation - bright red, halter top.

Kike: 'Ojay, ani dem talk say you be winsh…' tehehehehehehehe

If there's one thing I know about the white garment church, it's that drama begets drama. If you start misbehaving when someone is in a trance, you will be singled out. Now I'm getting irritated, as more attention is being drawn to us. Me, obviously for wearing red, and stewpid Kike for laughing like a raving lunatic.

Woooah lawd! What's a girl like me to do? Display my agbero side? Or continue to act like a mumu (according to Kike)?

TBC